Lost Angeles - Winter

The world had become significantly colder since I checked into my hotel not only in temperature, but also in morality. The aftermath of the parade and what I had seen that day continued to weigh heavily on me, but I continued, despite going through some of my darkest mental days.

The room was small but suited my needs. I didn’t need much since I hardly had anything to begin with. It contained the essentials with a full-size bed and nightstand on the left side of the room, a desk and small dresser with a TV on the right side, and a small bathroom behind the entrance door.

Perfectly reflected on the opposite side of the room from the door was a large window that took up the vast majority of the wall. After first moving into the room, I preferred to keep the shades open during the day to allow a controlled amount of the outside world in. I enjoyed my view because I was able to see past the city and look out and daydream about being far from here. Thankfully, the shades made a good seal around the window to prevent outside light from breaking in around the edges when I wanted some darkness, which helped in the mornings when I was sleeping. Or trying to sleep, at least.

Living isolated in this hotel, funded by rapidly depleting funds from my previous life, I needed to find ways to survive, and the only way to do that was to go out into the lion’s den.

This, at first, became a nice reprieve from the devastating solitude, but I still had the public life to remind me of the isolation I felt inside every place I went. It felt like every person I saw had their faces swapped out with empty mirrors constantly reflecting all my worst aspects back at me. I recognized the appearance of the person within the frames but didn’t know them.

Worse yet, it seemed like everyone around me was noticing my pitiful existence less and less. Not that if anyone noticed, they would understand. These were the same people that set the world on fire and wanted me to burn with it. The further removed I was from that day, the colder it felt. Ceaselessly colder still.

The icy pit in my heart morphed into a numbness. My visits to the local stores became less and less frequent and I held myself within my isolation tank of a room more and more. I’m not sure if this was because of fear of the outside world or a growing lack of concern about my survival. Maybe a bit of both.

The previous enjoyment I found from having the shades open subsided and natural light became a waning resource in my room as I kept the shades shut most of the time. The only thing that gave me any semblance of time was the little blue AM/PM light on the bottom corner of the alarm clock perched upon the nightstand. Occasionally, I would try to open the shades hoping it would make me feel something, but looking outside just made me feel more alone and empty.

Even worse were the billboards for the local mall, framed perfectly in my window. “Everything you need is available here!” “Happiness is a shopping spree!” The sentiments made me sick. As if the only thing you need to be happy is to buy more. Maybe that was my problem, as I saw the parking lot at the mall was filled every time I went past. I guess that was the season for it. Except I knew that only fleeting happiness can be found through spending money anyways and it was only a matter of time before that happiness would end and a new item would be needed. Still the billboards mocked me.

As the days pressed on, the snowfall began to accumulate. This snowfall, too, seemed to be invading my headspace. I began to lose grip on my former self, buried beneath a blanket of numb emotion and lack thereof. Everything and nothing at the same time. I could hardly remember who I was before everything was lost. Maybe that was for the worse. Maybe it was for the better. I wasn’t sure anymore. All the cover of snow left behind were dull rolling landscapes with hills and valleys highlighting all my faults and shortcomings through my life. While the snow laid a blanket to disguise these struggles, I knew my faults and past mistakes were always hiding underneath that cover. I was terrified of what may be unearthed if I ever saw them again.

The times when I opened the window became increasingly dangerous as I continually felt something overtake me looking out at the world. The fear. The hate. The loneliness. The smiling faces on the billboard felt like they were laughing at me. Seeing the town happily living in their lies they continued to tell themselves day in and day out.

Their happiness was a constant reminder that I hadn’t felt joy in such a long time that I’d forgotten what it even felt like. The world was stripped of its innocence that night in the forest and I could no longer take it looking at the world. As my outlook shifted the very subtle shift from despair to hopelessness, I knew there was nothing left. Nothing left for me to go forward towards. Nothing for me to go back to. I was perpetually stuck in between, living the worst moments of my life.

One day, with my rapidly declining mental state, I was desperate for something to carry me forward. I threw open the shades like I had done time and time before and, again, saw nothing but the same tired, sickening world I had always seen. But this time, it went further.

Carrying that weight of nothingness within, I questioned if there was something - anything beyond the panes of glass that barred me. I pulled open the window and immediately felt a bitter cold wind rip through my soul, taking the final bit of strength I had left.

The numbness overtook me, and I disassociated from my being. I was an animal trapped in a cage. The screen on the window became the gate preventing my escape from this wretched prison that I had locked myself in. I began ripping and tearing at the screen of the window until I finally succeeded and broke free from my cage. But this did not succeed in taking the animal out of me. Momentum carried me further. The walls remained around me, holding me in, so I took aim at the only opening I saw and jumped.

On my descent I met up again with my consciousness. The awful reality of my self inflicted fate was terrifying. I knew it was too late. The memories all came flying back to me. The good. The bad. The indifferent. But they all seemed better than the awful decision I had taken upon myself in that moment. The fall seemed to last an eternity and somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind, I am still falling to this day.

As I quickly approached the ground, I closed my eyes waiting for impact.

The world went black before I felt it.

And that’s how I ended up here.

Frozen in time

Frozen in place

Perennial memories

The currency of my decay

I tried to hide them in banks

The snow melts away

And I’ve been traveling

These landscapes of my mind

Like minding the craters

In a field of land mines

Floating through mental graveyards

Just to pass the time

But I can’t stay to grieve

My ghost is after me

It’s not my fault that there is nothing left of me

When the world takes all it can away

Our glutinous society

But I can’t let my future be paved with past mistakes

They don’t define me

They don’t define me

And I can’t help but befriend

The voices inside my head

They’re desperate for an ending

They’re sick of just contending

Walk over treacherous heights

On the tightrope between hate and understanding

As fear pulls us further down

Forcing me to pick a side

I know there’s gotta be a better way

I know that hate is an unjust answer

But is it justified

When they abandoned compassion

On the roadside

You can’t unsee

You can’t turn a blind eye

To the lifeless body of empathy

Will I still be me

If I give up my ghosts

I don’t know I don’t know

Can I kill that part to save the whole

I don’t know

It’s not my fault that there is nothing left of me

When the world takes all it can away

Our glutinous society

But I can’t let my future

Be paved with past mistakes

They don’t define me

They don’t define me

Who I was yesterday

I’m definitely not today

And who I am today

I might not be tomorrow

I’ll never be who I truly am

Until I’m dead and gone

But each day I’ll keep on trying

Each day I’ll keep trying

It’s not my fault that there was nothing left of me

When the world took all it could away.

And painted it as fallacy

But I won’t let this future

Be paved with past mistakes

They don’t define me

They don’t define me

Narrow visions lead to narrow minds

Sometimes the hope that you couldn’t find

Is preceded and succeeded by

Silent surroundings that reveal themselves

Narrow visions lead to narrow minds

Sometimes the hope that you couldn’t find

Is preceded and succeeded by

Silent surroundings that reveal themselves with time

It’s like waking up for the first time

It’s like waking up

It’s like waking up

It’s like waking up for the first time

It’s like waking up

It’s like waking up

It’s like waking up for the first time

It’s like waking up

It’s like waking up